From Resilience to Strength: My Journey as an Alaska Native Single Mother with C-PTSD
I never thought I’d find myself fighting for my life like this. On the verge of losing my home and vehicles, with a broken toe, no job, and hungry teens coming in and out of my house. Two years ago, I was not doing so bad, although I had just lost my nephew and brother earlier in the year. Now, I am relying on God’s will and promise to me that I will be okay, all my bills and debts will be paid, and I will be able to help others who have faced similar circumstances. I will help them with my words, and with the other gifts I will be blessed with. That is my purpose and the purpose of this blog.
My name is Tillila Lee Beetus, I am a Koyukon Athabascan whose family comes from Allakaket, Alatna, Hughes, Huslia, Koyukuk, Ruby, Galena, Nulato, Kaltag, the GASH (Grayling, Anvik, Shageluk, Holy Cross) villages, and all the way down to the mouth of the Yukon River. I am also Inupiaq and Swedish. My great-grandfather, Axel Holmberg, came to Alaska from Sweden and traveled up the Yukon River, the estimates of how many kids he had are between 16 and 23. I have relatives EVERYWHERE! I am rooted in my mother’s Koyukon Athabascan culture, with its deep spiritual beliefs. Although I was raised in that culture until I was two years old, I haven’t forgotten my grandmother’s words.
I spent a year in Anchorage before growing up in South Fairbanks. Starting from a young age, I experienced all the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES.) Like my ancestors, I am a survivor, you can read my full story here. There are too many things I could say about what made me the person I am today.
Among other things, I am a single mom and have been since Christmas Day of 2000. I woke up that day, at a friend’s house, getting punched up. I chose to break the cycle I was born in and went out on my own. I was scared, I had no money, and at first, I was drinking a lot.
I had a daughter who changed my life for the better. When I say your heart walks around outside of your body, that is what happened to me since Chantel was born. She was the catalyst for me learning how to heal my grief, my abuse, and my will to live. She is amazing, and funny, and mischief just like her mama. She knows everything I know, and I always want the best for her. Nobody prepares you for the day they become an adult and go out on their own.
I also have a son, who is 14. For the past ten years, he and his friends have dominated our home. I wouldn’t have it any other way, as long as they are safe and fed. I have raised my children through a recession, and now we are in our second one! My parenting philosophy is that it is a crazy, cold, world out there and people need to be safe, careful, and aware.
One of the hardest things for me is living with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD.) C-PTSD comes from repeated, long-term trauma rather than a one-time event. Having C-PTSD causes me difficulty with emotions, relationships, and self-worth. It makes my daily life, and feeling safe, very challenging. Sticking to a strict routine, going to the same places, and interacting with the same people is the norm for me. I often feel the energy from others, and it isn’t always genuine.
Currently, I am in financial distress, but have a profound faith in God and his plan for my life. I once worked hard to repair my credit. Right now, I don’t see credit as something necessary for my ultimate survival. I am reading “The Psychology of Money” and it is doing an excellent job of explaining money and behavior.
I recently got into legal trouble, but by the grace of God, it was a wake-up call instead of a life sentence. I don’t have a driver license for a few more months, which is very inconvenient! Since most jobs require a valid license, I made a list of ways I can earn money.
Doing massage. I studied under the great Tarika Lea (RIP) in a studio deep in the heart of Chena Ridge. I have been doing massage for 17 years.
Roadside Assistance. Helping others with changing a flat tire, unlocking a door, jump starts, fuel delivery, etc.
IT Assistance. I have an IT degree from the University of Alaska Community and Technical Center. That enables me to create websites, databases, training people on software, AI, and more.
Business Development. I have helped several people develop their businesses from scratch. I have an extensive resume which can be seen HERE.
Of course, I cannot do all of this without my family and friends. For as long as I can remember, our culture has emphasized the importance of humility and helping others. I could not have gotten where I was without my family and friends. Another thing that helped me was recognizing that my trauma was treatable, but I had to literally write down every incident that ever happened…and face it all one by one. This took years. Finally, if you are anything like me, you are unable to count how many relatives and friends you have lost in the past 5 years, especially during COVID.
I have a friend, more like a sister, who has a powerful, spiritual gift. She recently told me that I have the gift of strength and moving forward. As I finish up this post, I would like to invite your feedback, share a story if you’d like. I want others to know that they are not alone! When I got in trouble last month my sisters hugged me in the middle of Fred Meyers and told me we are going to get through this together!
Resilience and perseverance are in all of us. Feel free to follow my weekly blog as I fulfill my purpose and take on this journey of hope, perseverance, and reparation.
Key words: single mother, Alaska Native, personal journey, C-PTSD Next week’s post topic: Living With C-PTSD – My Daily Challenges